My list of why

I am reading a book that encourages it's readers to make a list of the reasons why we want to lose weight. I wrote mine out and realized that a bunch of these things are already happening, even after only shedding a few pounds.

So, while I am not really an 'affirmation' type of person, I rewrote it in the present tense. As time goes on, more and more of the items will, indeed, be present tense.

Here it is so far:

My outsides match my insides
More energy to play with my children
More stamina for drumming
Look good onstage
Professional appearance
Dance classes with Ladjie (in Mali!)
Fit into airplane seats better
Less obsessed with food
More time for projects
More time and energy for God
Healthier
Live longer
Less pain
Feel like a fabulous babe ;-)
Clothes that look good and fit comfortably
Better sexlife
Shopping for clothes is fun
Exercise is fun
I am spiritually, physically and emotionally stronger
I am able to do more things
I am less self concious when I eat in front of people
My doctor is proud of me
I am better able to serve God
I am comfortable in my own skin
My back doesn’t hurt anymore
I feel better about myself
I feel comfortable in a bathing suit
I am in control

Excercise

Weight watchers incents you to exercise by allowing you to 'trade' minutes of activity for more food during the week. It's a great concept! Last night I went dancing and earned 5 points. That is a normal ice cream cone, or 2 glasses of wine with dinner, or an extra serving of steak.

The fact is, for me, excersize for it's own sake is kind of a drag. I like working out with weights, especially my upper body, because it helps with my drumming. I like to ride a bike. I love dancing. Walking the dog is ok, too. But treadmills. Ugh. It's just not sustainable.

So I am thinking I need to figure out a way to get more activity going. Maybe take an African dance class, or salsa lessons. Whatever it is, it has to be more like a hobby than a chore. I rarely have to force myself to practice my drum. I want to feel that way about whatever activity I choose, too.

According to WW I am down 7.8 lbs. so far. In reality, though, I have lost more than that because I had started eating better even before going to my first meeting. So my pants are loose. I bought some shirts yesterday in a smaller size and can truly feel a difference already in my energy level. This is good.

Why now? Why this? Revisted....

I have been visiting a blog by a woman who has lost over 130 lbs. She is an opera singer... and said in a recent post that part of why she wants to keep her weight off is that she is taken more seriously as a performer when she is fit and healthy.

For me, that rings true. I am not a performer yet, but hope that someday I will be playing my djembe in public. And when that day comes, I will feel a lot better if the focus is on my music and not my body.

I can think of dozens and dozens of reasons why I want to be a healthy size. Maybe I am going to make a list and put them in a jar so when things get tough, and they will, I can pull them out to inspire me.

And, just a brief check-in about the food plan I am on. I am doing Weight Watchers and am really really loving it. What a great program! It is brilliantly designed to encourage you to make healthy food choices... and they really feel like choices, not deprivation. Today I was hungry and was considering buying a protein bar. When I realized how high in points they were, I decided to wait the few minutes until I could get home and make a snack of vegetarian refried beans, pico de gallo and low fat cheddar. The same 3 points and a LOT more filling.

So far I have shed about 7 lbs. Slow and steady wins the race, I say.

And thanks to everyone who is keeping me in their prayers. I think it is working!

Why?

Why now? Why this?

Health. Yeah. That's a big piece of it. My BMI isn't in a healthy range.

But I think the trip to Africa might have something to do with it, too.

When I was in Africa, it was the first time I was really seen. Strangers saw me, not as a fat woman, but as a woman. It was an amazing experience. And not just men, either, though that was kind of fun. My women friends really saw me, too.

I liked it.

And I realized that one consequence of being fat is that people don't really see you. It is easy to hide, even for me. When I am among strangers, they don't see me.

I guess at this point, I believe that it is time for the various parts of my life to be in concert with one another. Taking care of myself physically goes hand in hand with taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually.

Because, well, I have nothing to hide. It is time for me to stop hiding.

Easter.... HEALTHY

Yeah, I did great, foodwise, over Easter.

On Saturday I went to my in-laws for a party and brought a decadent dessert. But you know what? I didn't have any of it. And the truth is, I really didn't WANT any of it. How's that for a miracle?

Instead, at the party I ate lunch and dinner (our family gatherings are usually marathons, LOL.) and didn't eat any snacks between and while I didn't write down the points, I know I made some good choices. (How would one count a Vietnamese squid salad, anyway?

Yesterday the moveable feast was at my house, with roasted lamb and bulgar pilaf and ratatouille. I drank a few glasses of wine (and wrote them in my food log!) and had a single serving for dinner and think I did pretty well all things considered.

Then, to break my fast from sweets, I had a haystack cookie that I made the night before. They are really delicious and not that bad for you, either.

Here's my recipe:

5 pieces of Dove dark chocolate
2 Tbs natural peanut butter
1 cup fiber one cereal

Nuke the chocolate and peanut butter in a glass bowl until the chocolate is just starting to melt. (About a minute) Stir. Microwave again for a few seconds if necessary.

Stir the cereal into the melted chocolate and peanut butter and stir gently to coat thoroughly. Lay out a piece of parchment paper. Scoop the mixture into 9 mounds using 2 tablespoons. Place in the refrigerator to harden the chocolate.

Each cookie has 1 point and is pretty drop dead delicious.

So, how do you lose 100 lbs?

One day at a time! Or maybe one meal at a time....

I have a lot going for me. I am on a great food plan. I am emotionally ready. I have great support from my family, my church, my spiritual community and friends who are also working on eating healthier.

Just for today, I am eating whole grains, lean meats, beans, vegetables, non-fat dairy and fruits. Just for today I choose to be active and get some exercise.
Just for today I pray to God for help... and thank him for all the support and tools he has already provided for me.
Just for today I think of myself as a healthy, happy, whole person who doesn't need to abuse her body by eating junk.

A (not so) brief history of my adventures in weight loss

This is a photo of me when I was 17 years old. I remember the day vividly. I was hanging out with my friend Kevin on Thayer Street in Providence and a photographer from the NewPaper asked if he could take our pictures for a story on street fashions. It was 1982 and apparently the vintage/thrift store clothes with the chopped hair was enough of a curiosity that we got a spot on the page.

Here's the weird thing. I thought I was fat. I remember thinking I was fat. Now, when I look at that photo, it floors me to recognize that I actually had a great body.

I thought I was fat as a kid, too. I remember in third grade asking my friend Jill if I was as a fat as Wendy. Wendy, poor kid, was really obese. In my head I had no way to tell just how fat I was. It makes me sad to look at pictures from that time because truly, I was a normal kid.

By 8th grade, I really WAS fat. I weighed about 165 lbs. So I went on the Scarsdale diet, which promised a 1 lb. a day weight loss. Just think... I could lose 20 lbs. in 20 days!!! Not even a whole month! Except of course it didn't work that way. You basically starved yourself for 2 weeks and then gained it all back the following two weeks. It was a nightmare diet of chicken broth and celery sticks. What was I thinking? Diets sucked in the late 70's, I guess.

I did, for one day, manage to get to 135 lbs. I stepped on the scale in my 10th grade gym class and felt enormous relief that I wasn't the fattest girl in the school. But I left the weird, restrictive diet behind and steadily, from that point on, gained it all back. And then some, of course.

By the time I got married, at age 24, I was wearing at least a size 22 and probably tipped the scales at 235 lbs. Then, when I quit smoking a year later and had some minor skirmishes with major depression, I gained even more weight.

The turning point for me was one day when I was walking along a path on Cape Cod and could barely move. I was dying, lugging my big body over the sand in the Pamet. Suddenly, I had a revelation.... I got a sense that this was not the body I was supposed to have. This was not how God wanted me to live. I was at my all time high weight of 264 lbs.

A couple days after my husband and I got back to Providence, I joined Weight Watchers and over the next 2 years, lost about 85 lbs. I looked and felt pretty good!

And then I got pregnant with my first son. I tried to continue at WW, but it was just too hard to feel sick and tired and have to get on the scale every week having gained weight. I stopped going.

After Noah was born, I struggled, again, with my weight. Up and up it went. I ballooned back to my all time high weight within about a year. I felt like crap. I tried WW again, because it had worked so well the first time, but my heart just wasn't in it. I realized that there were bigger problems than a 'diet' could address. I needed some God in my life, desperately.

So, instead, I joined Overeaters Anonymous. It is a 12 step program, modeled on AA, for people who are compulsive overeaters. That certainly seemed to describe me. I came to believe that I was an addict and that I needed to take drastic measures to get healthy. I got a sponsor. Cut out all wheat and sugar, ate three meals a day with absolutely NOTHING in between and began to take off the weight. It was a grueling diet. I had to weigh and measure everything I put in my mouth and spend most of my time obsessing about the next meal. Since I was only allowed to eat three times a day, the panic that I wouldn't get enough to eat at any single meal was always lurking in the background. Plus, whenever I went to a friend's for dinner, there was always a big production because I couldn't eat bread, pasta or any kind of wheat products. I would carry my own rice pasta.... would bring my own meals to dinner parties. Oy Vey.

Looking back on it, I realize that I did immeasurable damage to my head by following that food plan. It was based on another vintage 1970's plan called the gray sheet (because it was xeroxed on gray paper, LOL) and really, had nothing to do with health.

But somehow, even through my second pregnancy, I managed to stick with OA. I never really lost much weight, but I did avoid eating compulsively. However, I have to say it was clear that I was compulsive about my food, even when I was abstaining from sugar and wheat.

After about 5 years on the rigid plan, with no appreciable improvement in my health and well-being, I walked away from OA.

And went back to my bad eating habits and wound up gaining back almost all the weight I had lost. Again.

So, here I am. I am embarking on a journey, not just of getting to a healthy weight, but of getting to a healthy place in my relationship with food. I am learning to think of food as fuel... the beautiful fuel that keeps my wonderful body going.

I love the NEW Weight Watchers program because it is about learning to eat moderately. No extremes here. Nothing is off limits. No weird rules. No having to bring my own bloody dinner to a friends. Just easy does it, one day at a time, eating healthy because it is going to make me feel great.

I have a lot of damage to undo. A lifetime of pain and suffering to sift through. But I believe God has brought me this far for a reason and I am ready to lay this whole issue at his feet and invite him to give me the strength and courage to do this. One day at a time.

And oh, what joy, to realize that I am not destined for ill health for the rest of my life. I am not destined for sluggishness and lack of energy. Even now, after only a couple of weeks, I can feel a HUGE difference in the way my body feels. I have tons more energy... am sleeping less, but more soundly, and feel, in a word, great.

Praise God. You have prepared me for this. You have given me the heart to want to serve you, and I believe, Lord, that taking care of myself does, in fact, serve you.

Day One

Actually,

This is day something else.... but I have decided to blog about my journey to healthy.

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor for an annual exam. In every respect I am in perfect health... except that I am 105 lbs. overweight. My doc gently said that this would be the point when he starts to discuss surgical options like gastric bypass. At which point I decided enough was enough.

I joined Weight Watchers a couple of days later and am in the middle of my 2nd week.

But here's the thing: I have been overweight for the vast majority of my adult life. For me, this journey towards a healthy weight is going to require I do a lot of soul searching and attitude adjustment. Losing the weight is one thing. Changing my attitudes around my body and health are quite another.

So I thought it would be helpful for me to journal about this. And maybe it will be helpful for others facing this issue to join me on the ride.

My big new life starts, today.