Last week I went to my doctor for a check up and he started talking about weight loss surgery. In his mind, the possible complications from the surgery are worth the risk compared to being obese.
I left feeling angry and shaken. Not at him, exactly. More at myself. And maybe at God for making me this way.
When I got home, I did a lot of surfing on the internet looking at bariatric surgeries and their outcomes. And for me, the inescapable fact is- they suck. The risks seem very high and the relapse rate is even higher.
At which point, I really had to cry out to God and ask him what I am going to do about this. Please, Lord, help me.
I asked the women I work with to pray for me... and I think they have been. And then I had to take a good hard look at myself and my relapses in the past. What happened exactly?
There were several issues that emerged.
First, I am lazy. Yes, seriously undisciplined. It takes energy to eat right. I have to go to the grocery store to make sure I have healthy food in the house. I have to cook and prepare healthy options instead of grabbing some kind of fast food. I have to write my food down and track it. And I have to do this knowing that other people DON'T have to do it this way. Most people can simply stop eating when they are full. Most people can just know how to eat right, get the exercise, and it is all good. That is not me. My genes are different. It runs in my family. I have the body I have and have to stop thinking that I can will myself to be normal. Like someone with diabetes or MS or some other disorder that requires daily maintenance... I have to do daily maintenance or I will never recover. It is that simple. Would I skip taking insulin? Would I stop taking my medication if my life depended on it? I hope not. It turns out MY life depends on the daily maintenance of tracking my food and intentionally exercising.
Then there is the part of me that is resentful that this is my station in life. Why can't I be normal like other people? REALLY!?!?!?! I who have been given SO much am going to whine about having to do a few things to stay healthy? I who have a wonderful family, a great home, a job I love.... and overall good health, intelligence, beauty, the money to live comfortably... and most of all the loving forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I am going to bitch about having to go to the grocery store for baby spinach once a week? Poor me. Seriously.
Whew. I had to get that out. Truly, I might just have to confess that one to my priest. What an ungrateful woman I have been.
And then I had to look at my relapses. Why have I been unable to reach a goal weight? Why have I fallen off the wagon in the past? For me, it is probably less about the food and more about the discipline. I just go haywire and get resentful and cocky and assume I am cured and I am off to the races. And like the dry drunk who picks up a shot after years of sobriety, I am right back in the thick of my insanity. Can you say yoyo?
So it is with fear that I start again. This time, if I screw it up, I am going to be over 300 lbs. I won't be able to walk around the block or fit in my clothes or dance anymore. I won't be able to travel, sit on a plane or use a squat toilet in Vietnam. I won't be able to go for a walk with my kids or go camping or get through a day without a nap. Oh wait, that is basically where I am right now.
So I am starting because while God maybe won't fix my metabolism for me, he WILL be with me on the journey. Today in church, the epistle of the day was this:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2
Could this be any more clear a message? God is inviting me to focus on making my body a holy and living sacrifice to him. And to get there, I have to renew my mind, which means looking at all the crazy thinking that has kept me trapped in a size 24+ body for all these years. I have already been freed by the blood of the lamb. Now I just have to understand that the world does not have the answer here. I will never be normal, but I CAN have a life if I am willing to do what it takes.
And for today, I am. I pray that I am tomorrow, too. And the next day. And the next. In Christ's name I pray.
