Resume

It has been forever since I posted here.  I have been struggling with my weight over the last few years, to the point where I am almost handicapped by it.

Last week I went to my doctor for a check up and he started talking about weight loss surgery.  In his mind, the possible complications from the surgery are worth the risk compared to being obese.

I left feeling angry and shaken.  Not at him, exactly.  More at myself.  And maybe at God for making me this way.

When I got home, I did a lot of surfing on the internet looking at bariatric surgeries and their outcomes.  And for me, the inescapable fact is- they suck.  The risks seem very high and the relapse rate is even higher.

At which point, I really had to cry out to God and ask him what I am going to do about this.  Please, Lord, help me.

I asked the women I work with to pray for me... and I think they have been.  And then I had to take a good hard look at myself and my relapses in the past.  What happened exactly?

There were several issues that emerged.

First, I am lazy. Yes, seriously undisciplined.  It takes energy to eat right.  I have to go to the grocery store to make sure I have healthy food in the house.  I have to cook and prepare healthy options instead of grabbing some kind of fast food.  I have to write my food down and track it.  And I have to do this knowing that other people DON'T have to do it this way.  Most people can simply stop eating when they are full.  Most people can just know how to eat right, get the exercise, and it is all good.  That is not me.  My genes are different.  It runs in my family.  I have the body I have and have to stop thinking that I can will myself to be normal.  Like someone with diabetes or MS or some other disorder that requires daily maintenance... I have to do daily maintenance or I will never recover.  It is that simple.  Would I skip taking insulin?  Would I stop taking my medication if my life depended on it?  I hope not.  It turns out MY life depends on the daily maintenance of tracking my food and intentionally exercising.

Then there is the part of me that is resentful that this is my station in life. Why can't I be normal like other people?   REALLY!?!?!?!  I who have been given SO much am going to whine about having to do a few things to stay healthy?  I who have a wonderful family, a great home, a job I love.... and overall good health, intelligence, beauty, the money to live comfortably... and most of all the loving forgiveness of Jesus Christ.  I am going to bitch about having to go to the grocery store for baby spinach once a week?  Poor me.  Seriously.

Whew.  I had to get that out.  Truly, I might just have to confess that one to my priest.  What an ungrateful woman I have been.

And then I had to look at my relapses.  Why have I been unable to reach a goal weight?  Why have I fallen off the wagon in the past?  For me, it is probably less about the food and more about the discipline.  I just go haywire and get resentful and cocky and assume I am cured and I am off to the races.  And like the dry drunk who picks up a shot after years of sobriety, I am right back in the thick of my insanity.  Can you say yoyo?

So it is with fear that I start again.  This time, if I screw it up, I am going to be over 300 lbs.  I won't be able to walk around the block or fit in my clothes or dance anymore.  I won't be able to travel, sit on a plane or use a squat toilet in Vietnam.  I won't be able to go for a walk with my kids or go camping or get through a day without a nap.  Oh wait, that is basically where I am right now.

So I am starting because while God maybe won't fix my metabolism for me, he WILL be with me on the journey.  Today in church, the epistle of the day was this:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

Could this be any more clear a message?  God is inviting me to focus on making my body a holy and living sacrifice to him.  And to get there, I have to renew my mind, which means looking at all the crazy thinking that has kept me trapped in a size 24+ body for all these years.  I have already been freed by the blood of the lamb.  Now I just have to understand that the world does not have the answer here.  I will never be normal, but I CAN have a life if I am willing to do what it takes.

And for today, I am.  I pray that I am tomorrow, too.  And the next day.  And the next.  In Christ's name I pray.

the thorn in my side...

After so many years, I am almost afraid to admit that I feel a sense of freedom from the compulsion to overeat.  It has truly been miraculous. 

Since starting this anti-inflammatory eating plan, I am down 21 lbs and feel great.  My energy and mood are improved.  My body feels healthier.  I am consuming lots of very good foods in reasonable amounts.  I have eliminated sugar and artificial sweetners from my diet along with processed foods.  It seems extreme on paper, but the reality has been so simple and easy.  Food as taken a more appropriate place in my life.  I am not obsessing or afflicted with cravings.  I am finding balance, which means that if someone offers me a food I don't normally eat, I graciously say thank you and enjoy it, knowing that a single meal will not do harm.

If you haven't already, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution.  It gives the science behind the diet and has been very helpful in guiding me in this way of eating. 

I am so grateful.

holding steady

I have been holding at 15 lbs for the last few weeks, but am taking that as a huge success, actually.  My goal is to inch my way down gently, so that my weight will remain stable.  I am finding this way of eating to be pretty easy to maintain.  I rarely have cravings at all and am feeling quite healthy all around.  I believe that the anti-inflammatory eating has helped with some of my health issues, too.  For example, I have a bulging disc in my neck that was causing nerve damage.  Over the course of the last several weeks, the nerve has apparently healed and I no longer have a numb thumb.  (Say that three times fast!)

So, all in all, feeling good.

Green LOVE

It has been several weeks since starting this new way of eating/living/cooking and I have to say, it is getting easier and I am really loving everything about it.  I feel great.

I have started to enjoy smoothies several times a week.  I have been making them with protein powder and unsweetened almond milk, fruits, greens, whatever.  They definitely keep me satisfied for the morning (or evening) and are just the thing.  I am banging them out in a 23 year old Osterizer that Nguyen and I got for our wedding.  It is butt ugly, but works just fine.  I have, however, ordered an upgraded blade to help crush the ice better.

The things I thought were going to be a challenge with this way of eating have proved to be easy.   I was worried, for example, about cravings.  Nope.  None so far.  Nada.  I was worried about giving up grains, breads, beans, etc.  Hasn't been difficult.  And the truth is, I am living in moderation ville.  If, for example, I go to your house for dinner and you are serving lasagna, I will load up on the salad, have a small bit of lasagna and enjoy every bite.  I am not going to whine about my 'diet'... just eat and enjoy.

For weight loss, it is pretty slow.  I am up a couple pounds from water weight gain today, but so far have lost somewhere in the 12 lb. range.  In a day or so I will get a more accurate read.

So, why has this been so easy?  I can't really say.  I think part of it is DEFINITELY physical.  The reality is that sugar and carbs are incredibly addictive and by eliminating them from my diet, I have eliminated the source of cravings.  I have also, pretty quickly, retrained my taste buds, so now even the tiniest bit of sweetness is very pronounced for me.  I can taste it in sauces, for example, when before I wouldn't have noticed.  My palate is getting used to other tastes.  Bitter, for example, is a big star for me these days.  I love bitter greens, bitter coffee, bitter tea.  I have also developed a fondness for sour.  Mix those together and we are really talking.  (Kale with red wine vinegar anyone?)

I think part of this has been easy for emotional and spiritual reasons too.  On some level, I was just, well, ready, to stop being out of control and miserable.  I have wanted to be at peace around food for so long, but couldn't get there when I was in the grip of addictive obsessive eating.  I guess I had to hit a sort of bottom before finally realizing that I needed to change.

So, what are my fears?  Oh, boy.  I have been in this place before and fallen off the wagon with a crash.  My biggest fear is that I won't be able to sustain this healthy lifestyle.  That something will throw me off kilter and I'll pick up the pint of Ben & Jerry's and be off to the races again.  It really scares me.

But something feels different this time.  I am not sure what.  I wonder if God has finally broken through my steadfast resistance and begun a healing work in my heart.  I would like to officially thank Him if that is true.  Lord, please let me stay open to the leadings of the Holy Spirit.  I pray that I will never want to hurt myself with food.  I can't predict the future... but for today, I am so happy and grateful.

Hmmm.  Time for a smoothie?

The quick lunch

I will admit, it sometimes seems a bit intimidating to try and figure out a quick lunch... especially when I am sick of salad. 

But here is a super fast, super easy stirfry that really satisfies and is all good.

In a sauté pan, I put a bit of extra virgin olive oil and wait until it starts to shimmer.  Next drop in 2 sliced cloves of garlic and about 3 ounces of sliced left over steak.  Once the garlic has begun to brown slightly, I add a big handful of washed baby spinach, a dash of toasted sesame oil and a dash of soy sauce.  Once the spinach starts to wilt, I add a package of shirataki noodles that have been rinsed well and drained.  Stir it all up for a moment then dump in a bowl.  Top with plenty of freshly ground black pepper and a bit of chili paste and enjoy with chopsticks!

To make this a vegetarian dish would be a cinch.  Just substitute mushrooms for the beef and cook them until tender before adding the spinach.  Or use tofu cubes.  Or even a sliced egg omelet. 

This seriously takes 5 minutes and is delicious!

The best of times, the worst of times.

It just so happens that I am feeling great and horrible all at once, which is way bizarre.  The great:  my diet has been MUCH better and I can feel that I am healthier.  I have more energy and my joints are better.  I think the anti-inflammatory aspect has certainly begun to have an effect.

The horrible is that my upper back and arm are in constant pain and I have had a numb thumb for almost two weeks.  My chiropractor thinks it is nerve entrapment, probably brought on by drumming.  I have been feeling tremendous stress about all this and this morning had a full blown panic attack at the imaging place where I was supposed to get an MRI.  I simply could not make myself go in there.

So, diet, yes.  Rest of my body, not so much.  I am going out tonight to get some vitamin B to see if that will help the nerves calm down.

Also, I haven't lost any weight over the last few days so I am considering writing my food down for awhile to see if that helps.  I am eating much healthier than in the past, but may still be eating too much, especially protein.

Today:
1 scoop protein powder in a glass of almond milk.  (unsweetened)
1 coffee with 2 T half and half.
2 eggs, 1 slice ezekiel bread with 1 tsp organic butter.
lamb burger with 1 oz feta and 2 tsp tzatziki sauce, sauteed kale and salad with olive oil and vinegar dressing.
1 roasted chicken breast with wine reduction sauce, kale and salad.

Bit by bit

Last night I went to dinner with Nguyen and Emmett to celebrate Emmett's graduation from 6th grade.  We went to an Italian place in Cranston and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  I ordered a spinach salad and the baked salmon.  I ate a couple of bites of the risotto that came with it, and a couple of bites of a dessert and gave the rest to Emmett.  It really felt healthy and normal and not weird and fanatical.  I also enjoyed 2 glasses of great Italian wine.

I am NOT going to fall into the trap of all or nothing.  I want to be able to live a eat in a healthy way, which means making the best choices at any given moment and not freaking out about sticking to a rigid regimen.

Today I am down 11 lbs. since starting this program a couple of weeks ago and am feeling very good about it.

So far, so good

Well, this has been a success so far.  I can't even remember how many weeks it has been since starting on my new eating plan, but I am down 10 lbs and feeling pretty awesome.  I am following the principles in Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution. 

A few weeks back I gave up sugar and artificial sweetners.  That has been a big shift for me, and I am very very grateful to have that particular monkey off my back.  Then I gave up grains.... and fruit.  The fruit has been the hardest to let go of, especially at breakfast, but on the program I am doing, it is only for a couple of weeks.  I will be able to add them back into my diet after the initial phase. 

It is amazing how easy it is to do this when it is easy.  For me, it is absolutely critical to take it one day at a time... and pray that each day I have the fortitude to do the right thing.  So far the most complicated thing has been the vegetables.  I have to buy and cook a TON!  But I feel like that is becoming a little easier as the days go by.

Here's a typical day for me:

Breakfast:  And omlet with veggies or 2 eggs and a slice of Ezekiel bread (not on plan, but so far, no harm.) Coffee with a couple tablespoons of half and half.

Lunch:  Some kind of protein, a salad with olive oil and vinegar dressing, some other kind of veggie.

Snacks:  cottage cheese or nuts.

Dinner: same as lunch, with the addition of a cooked vegetable.

Later in the evening, if I am hungry, I have a smoothy made with unsweetened whey protein, almond milk, a tsp. of cocoa powder, a tsp. unsweetened peanut butter.  It is a great way to end the day!

Simple.  Simple.

cravings: gone

It is kind of amazing how fast the cravings disappear when you give up sugar.  Within days, really... and maybe hours.  Which totally proves how physical addiction is.

I learned that when I quit smoking.  I was a cold turkey quitter.  I just gave it up and suffered the withdrawal symptoms for a few days and then, suddenly, the cravings were gone and I was free at last.

So, knowing how addictive sugar is for me, why oh why do I constantly go back to it?  Why don't I learn my lesson and stay away from it?  I think it is because I am like an alcoholic who believes that one little drink won't really hurt me.

I can't promise this is forever.  But I can tell you that today I am free from sugar and it feels great.  And I hope that I will be able to stay strong and stick to the anti-inflammatory program because I really do feel better.

Hungry Girl

Yesterday I was fine all day until just before dinner, at which point I was ravenous.  Why is that, I wonder? 

But today I got on the scale and am down 9 lbs. since starting my clean eating a couple of weeks ago.  And while that is a great incentive to keep going, I don't want weight loss to be the only incentive, or else I am likely to fall off the wagon when I hit a stall.

I am doing this because I feel better.  I am doing this because I am tired of feeling like poop.  There is such a difference, already, in my energy levels.  Yesterday, for example, was my day off from work.  Usually I crash for a nap, but I just didn't feel I needed one. 

For me, everything begins and ends with my faith.  I know for a fact that I am compulsive around food.  It is the thorn in my side.  I pray, then, that today, God will give me the strength to choose healthy foods.  I pray that I won't give in to temptations.  I will turn myself over to the care of Him who loves me unconditionally.  Thank you, Lord.

Anti-inflammatory eating

It has been ages since I started this blog.  I'd say I am about 30 lbs. heavier and three years wiser.  The issue of overeating has continued to be a struggle.

A little over three years ago, I was still on weight watchers trying to limit portion sizes, weighing my food, eating junk in smaller doses.  In the last three years I have been to Africa twice, have taken on an incredibly demanding job as the director of a Christian ministry, have tried to take a more spiritual approach to food and mostly have failed. 

So, I am back here because I feel it is helpful for me to keep a journal of sorts.  I may even choose to publish the posts... or might just let them live in anonymity of my blogger account.  Either way, though, I want to keep track.

About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I gave up sugar.  Unlike times in the past, I didn't experience withdrawal symptoms.  I am so heavily addicted to sugar it is necessary for me to purge it from my diet completely for awhile.  Clean up.  Clear out. 

My body feels like crap.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been and I can feel what a drain it is.  My knees hurt.  My back hurts.  I have been seeing a chiropractor weekly for adjustments because I have a weird crick in my neck that won't go away. My lower back is constantly in pain and there is major inflammation everywhere.  I am actually bruising every time the Chiropractor touches me.  It is crazy. 

He was the one that suggested an anti-inflammation diet.  I started to do a little research and realized that it was going to require a major change in the way I eat.  No grains.  Lots of vegetables.  No artificial crap.  Some supplements to help my system, especially fish oil.  No sugar.  No high fructose corn syrup.  No more diet anything. 

The book he recommended is Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution that explains how to trick the very same genes that cause us to be fat.  (There is CLEARLY a genetic component to my physique... but apparently there is for everyone that struggles with weight...)  And while he is extreme in the sense that he wants us to end up basically raw dieting it, I think much of what he says makes sense.

Which isn't to say his diet is the panacea.  For me, there are so many deeper issues that I simply can't ignore.  I have a lot of fear around the whole body image thing.  I have also been working through a book by Dr. Frank Smoot which is a Christian approach to dealing with weight issues.  The constant refrain is that the world is NOT going to provide the answer to my weight issues.  Only a complete change in my mind can do it.... a change that means turning to God for strength and courage and healing. 

So, while I am giving the anti-inflammatory program a shot to heal the physical wreckage, I know full well that without the spiritual work, I won't ever get anywhere.  I am, after all, compulsively addicted to food. 

That is my little intro.  Let me begin this phase of my journey by describing the last couple of weeks.

It started with giving up sugar and artificial sweetners.  I have been drinking tons of iced, unsweetened tea.  I am noticing that my taste buds have adapted almost immediately and am enjoying the bitterness of plain tea and coffee.  In fact, I have been drawn to bitter vegetables, too, including broccoli rabe and rainbow chard. 

After about a week without sugar, I gave up nearly all grains.  The only exception is sprouted grain bread... and that has been reduced to a slice a day or less. 

I have been eating TONS of vegetables and some meats.  Lots of fruit (which isn't part of Gundry's plan at this stage, but is working for me.)  The only dairy I am still eating is half and half in my coffee, yogurt and soft cheeses like feta, cottage, etc.  All of that is supposed to be fine for the anti-inflammation program.  I am eating lots of raw nuts, olive oil, eggs.  That is basically it. 

The adjustment is mostly around the shopping.  I need a huge amount of fresh veggies and fruit, which means that I am in the grocery store more frequently.  And yes, it is true, eating this kind of diet does cost a lot.  But it is so much less of a cost, in the long run, than feeling like crap.

How do I feel?  So far so great.  I didn't have 'detox' symptoms... which according to Gundry are actually 'tox' symptoms.  I have a better energy level and have lost about 7 lbs. so far.   I just sailed through my menstrual period without gaining any weight and felt much less bloated overall.  It is amazing what an impact even a small loss can have.

I have been hungry at times, but I am trying not to panic when it happens.  I just eat a few nuts and drink some more water or tea.  It turns out fasting is actually good for you.  (Should it be a surprise?  People of faith have been fasting for millennia.) 

This is not really going to be one of those ''I am going to lose 100 lbs. and document it online'''blogs.  More like ''I want to learn, over the long haul, to live a healthier life." 

If you are so inclined, you are welcome to come along for the ride.

Wine for my men....

It's the punchline of an old joke... but I noticed that after drinking a few glasses of wine last night, I am feeling bloated and uncomfortable today.

I counted the points for the wine, so it's not that I overindulged. But I got on the scale this morning and my weight had fluctuated up by several pounds over yesterday.

Since there are really no mistakes when you are learning a new lifestyle, I am just going to chalk it up to experience and know that I have to be particularly careful about how much wine I drink from now on. I think one or two glasses is the max. Which of course is far healthier anyway.

In other news, I had an absolutely spectacular dinner of grilled lamb, roasted ratatouille, grilled asparagus and bulgur wheat pilaf. It was so yummy.

And my mom gave me a vegetarian cookbook which has all the nutrition information for each recipe. I can't wait to start experimenting!

On Kirstie and other thoughts on a Friday

I watched a snippet of Kirstie Ally's interview with Oprah on youtube. She's gained back all of her weight after the Jenny Craig debacle... and now is touting her own weight loss program, on which she has claimed to have lost 20 lbs in 5 weeks.

Ugh.

Kirstie, we all know how to lose weight. That part isn't complicated.

When you have kept your weight off for a few years, then I might be interested to know your secrets. But until then, not so much.

In the mean time, I had Greek yogurt, half a banana, half a cup of pineapple and some fiber one cereal for breakfast.

Today I am eating healthy.

My list of why

I am reading a book that encourages it's readers to make a list of the reasons why we want to lose weight. I wrote mine out and realized that a bunch of these things are already happening, even after only shedding a few pounds.

So, while I am not really an 'affirmation' type of person, I rewrote it in the present tense. As time goes on, more and more of the items will, indeed, be present tense.

Here it is so far:

My outsides match my insides
More energy to play with my children
More stamina for drumming
Look good onstage
Professional appearance
Dance classes with Ladjie (in Mali!)
Fit into airplane seats better
Less obsessed with food
More time for projects
More time and energy for God
Healthier
Live longer
Less pain
Feel like a fabulous babe ;-)
Clothes that look good and fit comfortably
Better sexlife
Shopping for clothes is fun
Exercise is fun
I am spiritually, physically and emotionally stronger
I am able to do more things
I am less self concious when I eat in front of people
My doctor is proud of me
I am better able to serve God
I am comfortable in my own skin
My back doesn’t hurt anymore
I feel better about myself
I feel comfortable in a bathing suit
I am in control

Excercise

Weight watchers incents you to exercise by allowing you to 'trade' minutes of activity for more food during the week. It's a great concept! Last night I went dancing and earned 5 points. That is a normal ice cream cone, or 2 glasses of wine with dinner, or an extra serving of steak.

The fact is, for me, excersize for it's own sake is kind of a drag. I like working out with weights, especially my upper body, because it helps with my drumming. I like to ride a bike. I love dancing. Walking the dog is ok, too. But treadmills. Ugh. It's just not sustainable.

So I am thinking I need to figure out a way to get more activity going. Maybe take an African dance class, or salsa lessons. Whatever it is, it has to be more like a hobby than a chore. I rarely have to force myself to practice my drum. I want to feel that way about whatever activity I choose, too.

According to WW I am down 7.8 lbs. so far. In reality, though, I have lost more than that because I had started eating better even before going to my first meeting. So my pants are loose. I bought some shirts yesterday in a smaller size and can truly feel a difference already in my energy level. This is good.

Why now? Why this? Revisted....

I have been visiting a blog by a woman who has lost over 130 lbs. She is an opera singer... and said in a recent post that part of why she wants to keep her weight off is that she is taken more seriously as a performer when she is fit and healthy.

For me, that rings true. I am not a performer yet, but hope that someday I will be playing my djembe in public. And when that day comes, I will feel a lot better if the focus is on my music and not my body.

I can think of dozens and dozens of reasons why I want to be a healthy size. Maybe I am going to make a list and put them in a jar so when things get tough, and they will, I can pull them out to inspire me.

And, just a brief check-in about the food plan I am on. I am doing Weight Watchers and am really really loving it. What a great program! It is brilliantly designed to encourage you to make healthy food choices... and they really feel like choices, not deprivation. Today I was hungry and was considering buying a protein bar. When I realized how high in points they were, I decided to wait the few minutes until I could get home and make a snack of vegetarian refried beans, pico de gallo and low fat cheddar. The same 3 points and a LOT more filling.

So far I have shed about 7 lbs. Slow and steady wins the race, I say.

And thanks to everyone who is keeping me in their prayers. I think it is working!

Why?

Why now? Why this?

Health. Yeah. That's a big piece of it. My BMI isn't in a healthy range.

But I think the trip to Africa might have something to do with it, too.

When I was in Africa, it was the first time I was really seen. Strangers saw me, not as a fat woman, but as a woman. It was an amazing experience. And not just men, either, though that was kind of fun. My women friends really saw me, too.

I liked it.

And I realized that one consequence of being fat is that people don't really see you. It is easy to hide, even for me. When I am among strangers, they don't see me.

I guess at this point, I believe that it is time for the various parts of my life to be in concert with one another. Taking care of myself physically goes hand in hand with taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually.

Because, well, I have nothing to hide. It is time for me to stop hiding.

Easter.... HEALTHY

Yeah, I did great, foodwise, over Easter.

On Saturday I went to my in-laws for a party and brought a decadent dessert. But you know what? I didn't have any of it. And the truth is, I really didn't WANT any of it. How's that for a miracle?

Instead, at the party I ate lunch and dinner (our family gatherings are usually marathons, LOL.) and didn't eat any snacks between and while I didn't write down the points, I know I made some good choices. (How would one count a Vietnamese squid salad, anyway?

Yesterday the moveable feast was at my house, with roasted lamb and bulgar pilaf and ratatouille. I drank a few glasses of wine (and wrote them in my food log!) and had a single serving for dinner and think I did pretty well all things considered.

Then, to break my fast from sweets, I had a haystack cookie that I made the night before. They are really delicious and not that bad for you, either.

Here's my recipe:

5 pieces of Dove dark chocolate
2 Tbs natural peanut butter
1 cup fiber one cereal

Nuke the chocolate and peanut butter in a glass bowl until the chocolate is just starting to melt. (About a minute) Stir. Microwave again for a few seconds if necessary.

Stir the cereal into the melted chocolate and peanut butter and stir gently to coat thoroughly. Lay out a piece of parchment paper. Scoop the mixture into 9 mounds using 2 tablespoons. Place in the refrigerator to harden the chocolate.

Each cookie has 1 point and is pretty drop dead delicious.

So, how do you lose 100 lbs?

One day at a time! Or maybe one meal at a time....

I have a lot going for me. I am on a great food plan. I am emotionally ready. I have great support from my family, my church, my spiritual community and friends who are also working on eating healthier.

Just for today, I am eating whole grains, lean meats, beans, vegetables, non-fat dairy and fruits. Just for today I choose to be active and get some exercise.
Just for today I pray to God for help... and thank him for all the support and tools he has already provided for me.
Just for today I think of myself as a healthy, happy, whole person who doesn't need to abuse her body by eating junk.

A (not so) brief history of my adventures in weight loss

This is a photo of me when I was 17 years old. I remember the day vividly. I was hanging out with my friend Kevin on Thayer Street in Providence and a photographer from the NewPaper asked if he could take our pictures for a story on street fashions. It was 1982 and apparently the vintage/thrift store clothes with the chopped hair was enough of a curiosity that we got a spot on the page.

Here's the weird thing. I thought I was fat. I remember thinking I was fat. Now, when I look at that photo, it floors me to recognize that I actually had a great body.

I thought I was fat as a kid, too. I remember in third grade asking my friend Jill if I was as a fat as Wendy. Wendy, poor kid, was really obese. In my head I had no way to tell just how fat I was. It makes me sad to look at pictures from that time because truly, I was a normal kid.

By 8th grade, I really WAS fat. I weighed about 165 lbs. So I went on the Scarsdale diet, which promised a 1 lb. a day weight loss. Just think... I could lose 20 lbs. in 20 days!!! Not even a whole month! Except of course it didn't work that way. You basically starved yourself for 2 weeks and then gained it all back the following two weeks. It was a nightmare diet of chicken broth and celery sticks. What was I thinking? Diets sucked in the late 70's, I guess.

I did, for one day, manage to get to 135 lbs. I stepped on the scale in my 10th grade gym class and felt enormous relief that I wasn't the fattest girl in the school. But I left the weird, restrictive diet behind and steadily, from that point on, gained it all back. And then some, of course.

By the time I got married, at age 24, I was wearing at least a size 22 and probably tipped the scales at 235 lbs. Then, when I quit smoking a year later and had some minor skirmishes with major depression, I gained even more weight.

The turning point for me was one day when I was walking along a path on Cape Cod and could barely move. I was dying, lugging my big body over the sand in the Pamet. Suddenly, I had a revelation.... I got a sense that this was not the body I was supposed to have. This was not how God wanted me to live. I was at my all time high weight of 264 lbs.

A couple days after my husband and I got back to Providence, I joined Weight Watchers and over the next 2 years, lost about 85 lbs. I looked and felt pretty good!

And then I got pregnant with my first son. I tried to continue at WW, but it was just too hard to feel sick and tired and have to get on the scale every week having gained weight. I stopped going.

After Noah was born, I struggled, again, with my weight. Up and up it went. I ballooned back to my all time high weight within about a year. I felt like crap. I tried WW again, because it had worked so well the first time, but my heart just wasn't in it. I realized that there were bigger problems than a 'diet' could address. I needed some God in my life, desperately.

So, instead, I joined Overeaters Anonymous. It is a 12 step program, modeled on AA, for people who are compulsive overeaters. That certainly seemed to describe me. I came to believe that I was an addict and that I needed to take drastic measures to get healthy. I got a sponsor. Cut out all wheat and sugar, ate three meals a day with absolutely NOTHING in between and began to take off the weight. It was a grueling diet. I had to weigh and measure everything I put in my mouth and spend most of my time obsessing about the next meal. Since I was only allowed to eat three times a day, the panic that I wouldn't get enough to eat at any single meal was always lurking in the background. Plus, whenever I went to a friend's for dinner, there was always a big production because I couldn't eat bread, pasta or any kind of wheat products. I would carry my own rice pasta.... would bring my own meals to dinner parties. Oy Vey.

Looking back on it, I realize that I did immeasurable damage to my head by following that food plan. It was based on another vintage 1970's plan called the gray sheet (because it was xeroxed on gray paper, LOL) and really, had nothing to do with health.

But somehow, even through my second pregnancy, I managed to stick with OA. I never really lost much weight, but I did avoid eating compulsively. However, I have to say it was clear that I was compulsive about my food, even when I was abstaining from sugar and wheat.

After about 5 years on the rigid plan, with no appreciable improvement in my health and well-being, I walked away from OA.

And went back to my bad eating habits and wound up gaining back almost all the weight I had lost. Again.

So, here I am. I am embarking on a journey, not just of getting to a healthy weight, but of getting to a healthy place in my relationship with food. I am learning to think of food as fuel... the beautiful fuel that keeps my wonderful body going.

I love the NEW Weight Watchers program because it is about learning to eat moderately. No extremes here. Nothing is off limits. No weird rules. No having to bring my own bloody dinner to a friends. Just easy does it, one day at a time, eating healthy because it is going to make me feel great.

I have a lot of damage to undo. A lifetime of pain and suffering to sift through. But I believe God has brought me this far for a reason and I am ready to lay this whole issue at his feet and invite him to give me the strength and courage to do this. One day at a time.

And oh, what joy, to realize that I am not destined for ill health for the rest of my life. I am not destined for sluggishness and lack of energy. Even now, after only a couple of weeks, I can feel a HUGE difference in the way my body feels. I have tons more energy... am sleeping less, but more soundly, and feel, in a word, great.

Praise God. You have prepared me for this. You have given me the heart to want to serve you, and I believe, Lord, that taking care of myself does, in fact, serve you.