Resume

It has been forever since I posted here.  I have been struggling with my weight over the last few years, to the point where I am almost handicapped by it.

Last week I went to my doctor for a check up and he started talking about weight loss surgery.  In his mind, the possible complications from the surgery are worth the risk compared to being obese.

I left feeling angry and shaken.  Not at him, exactly.  More at myself.  And maybe at God for making me this way.

When I got home, I did a lot of surfing on the internet looking at bariatric surgeries and their outcomes.  And for me, the inescapable fact is- they suck.  The risks seem very high and the relapse rate is even higher.

At which point, I really had to cry out to God and ask him what I am going to do about this.  Please, Lord, help me.

I asked the women I work with to pray for me... and I think they have been.  And then I had to take a good hard look at myself and my relapses in the past.  What happened exactly?

There were several issues that emerged.

First, I am lazy. Yes, seriously undisciplined.  It takes energy to eat right.  I have to go to the grocery store to make sure I have healthy food in the house.  I have to cook and prepare healthy options instead of grabbing some kind of fast food.  I have to write my food down and track it.  And I have to do this knowing that other people DON'T have to do it this way.  Most people can simply stop eating when they are full.  Most people can just know how to eat right, get the exercise, and it is all good.  That is not me.  My genes are different.  It runs in my family.  I have the body I have and have to stop thinking that I can will myself to be normal.  Like someone with diabetes or MS or some other disorder that requires daily maintenance... I have to do daily maintenance or I will never recover.  It is that simple.  Would I skip taking insulin?  Would I stop taking my medication if my life depended on it?  I hope not.  It turns out MY life depends on the daily maintenance of tracking my food and intentionally exercising.

Then there is the part of me that is resentful that this is my station in life. Why can't I be normal like other people?   REALLY!?!?!?!  I who have been given SO much am going to whine about having to do a few things to stay healthy?  I who have a wonderful family, a great home, a job I love.... and overall good health, intelligence, beauty, the money to live comfortably... and most of all the loving forgiveness of Jesus Christ.  I am going to bitch about having to go to the grocery store for baby spinach once a week?  Poor me.  Seriously.

Whew.  I had to get that out.  Truly, I might just have to confess that one to my priest.  What an ungrateful woman I have been.

And then I had to look at my relapses.  Why have I been unable to reach a goal weight?  Why have I fallen off the wagon in the past?  For me, it is probably less about the food and more about the discipline.  I just go haywire and get resentful and cocky and assume I am cured and I am off to the races.  And like the dry drunk who picks up a shot after years of sobriety, I am right back in the thick of my insanity.  Can you say yoyo?

So it is with fear that I start again.  This time, if I screw it up, I am going to be over 300 lbs.  I won't be able to walk around the block or fit in my clothes or dance anymore.  I won't be able to travel, sit on a plane or use a squat toilet in Vietnam.  I won't be able to go for a walk with my kids or go camping or get through a day without a nap.  Oh wait, that is basically where I am right now.

So I am starting because while God maybe won't fix my metabolism for me, he WILL be with me on the journey.  Today in church, the epistle of the day was this:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

Could this be any more clear a message?  God is inviting me to focus on making my body a holy and living sacrifice to him.  And to get there, I have to renew my mind, which means looking at all the crazy thinking that has kept me trapped in a size 24+ body for all these years.  I have already been freed by the blood of the lamb.  Now I just have to understand that the world does not have the answer here.  I will never be normal, but I CAN have a life if I am willing to do what it takes.

And for today, I am.  I pray that I am tomorrow, too.  And the next day.  And the next.  In Christ's name I pray.

the thorn in my side...

After so many years, I am almost afraid to admit that I feel a sense of freedom from the compulsion to overeat.  It has truly been miraculous. 

Since starting this anti-inflammatory eating plan, I am down 21 lbs and feel great.  My energy and mood are improved.  My body feels healthier.  I am consuming lots of very good foods in reasonable amounts.  I have eliminated sugar and artificial sweetners from my diet along with processed foods.  It seems extreme on paper, but the reality has been so simple and easy.  Food as taken a more appropriate place in my life.  I am not obsessing or afflicted with cravings.  I am finding balance, which means that if someone offers me a food I don't normally eat, I graciously say thank you and enjoy it, knowing that a single meal will not do harm.

If you haven't already, I strongly recommend reading Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution.  It gives the science behind the diet and has been very helpful in guiding me in this way of eating. 

I am so grateful.

holding steady

I have been holding at 15 lbs for the last few weeks, but am taking that as a huge success, actually.  My goal is to inch my way down gently, so that my weight will remain stable.  I am finding this way of eating to be pretty easy to maintain.  I rarely have cravings at all and am feeling quite healthy all around.  I believe that the anti-inflammatory eating has helped with some of my health issues, too.  For example, I have a bulging disc in my neck that was causing nerve damage.  Over the course of the last several weeks, the nerve has apparently healed and I no longer have a numb thumb.  (Say that three times fast!)

So, all in all, feeling good.

Green LOVE

It has been several weeks since starting this new way of eating/living/cooking and I have to say, it is getting easier and I am really loving everything about it.  I feel great.

I have started to enjoy smoothies several times a week.  I have been making them with protein powder and unsweetened almond milk, fruits, greens, whatever.  They definitely keep me satisfied for the morning (or evening) and are just the thing.  I am banging them out in a 23 year old Osterizer that Nguyen and I got for our wedding.  It is butt ugly, but works just fine.  I have, however, ordered an upgraded blade to help crush the ice better.

The things I thought were going to be a challenge with this way of eating have proved to be easy.   I was worried, for example, about cravings.  Nope.  None so far.  Nada.  I was worried about giving up grains, breads, beans, etc.  Hasn't been difficult.  And the truth is, I am living in moderation ville.  If, for example, I go to your house for dinner and you are serving lasagna, I will load up on the salad, have a small bit of lasagna and enjoy every bite.  I am not going to whine about my 'diet'... just eat and enjoy.

For weight loss, it is pretty slow.  I am up a couple pounds from water weight gain today, but so far have lost somewhere in the 12 lb. range.  In a day or so I will get a more accurate read.

So, why has this been so easy?  I can't really say.  I think part of it is DEFINITELY physical.  The reality is that sugar and carbs are incredibly addictive and by eliminating them from my diet, I have eliminated the source of cravings.  I have also, pretty quickly, retrained my taste buds, so now even the tiniest bit of sweetness is very pronounced for me.  I can taste it in sauces, for example, when before I wouldn't have noticed.  My palate is getting used to other tastes.  Bitter, for example, is a big star for me these days.  I love bitter greens, bitter coffee, bitter tea.  I have also developed a fondness for sour.  Mix those together and we are really talking.  (Kale with red wine vinegar anyone?)

I think part of this has been easy for emotional and spiritual reasons too.  On some level, I was just, well, ready, to stop being out of control and miserable.  I have wanted to be at peace around food for so long, but couldn't get there when I was in the grip of addictive obsessive eating.  I guess I had to hit a sort of bottom before finally realizing that I needed to change.

So, what are my fears?  Oh, boy.  I have been in this place before and fallen off the wagon with a crash.  My biggest fear is that I won't be able to sustain this healthy lifestyle.  That something will throw me off kilter and I'll pick up the pint of Ben & Jerry's and be off to the races again.  It really scares me.

But something feels different this time.  I am not sure what.  I wonder if God has finally broken through my steadfast resistance and begun a healing work in my heart.  I would like to officially thank Him if that is true.  Lord, please let me stay open to the leadings of the Holy Spirit.  I pray that I will never want to hurt myself with food.  I can't predict the future... but for today, I am so happy and grateful.

Hmmm.  Time for a smoothie?

The quick lunch

I will admit, it sometimes seems a bit intimidating to try and figure out a quick lunch... especially when I am sick of salad. 

But here is a super fast, super easy stirfry that really satisfies and is all good.

In a sauté pan, I put a bit of extra virgin olive oil and wait until it starts to shimmer.  Next drop in 2 sliced cloves of garlic and about 3 ounces of sliced left over steak.  Once the garlic has begun to brown slightly, I add a big handful of washed baby spinach, a dash of toasted sesame oil and a dash of soy sauce.  Once the spinach starts to wilt, I add a package of shirataki noodles that have been rinsed well and drained.  Stir it all up for a moment then dump in a bowl.  Top with plenty of freshly ground black pepper and a bit of chili paste and enjoy with chopsticks!

To make this a vegetarian dish would be a cinch.  Just substitute mushrooms for the beef and cook them until tender before adding the spinach.  Or use tofu cubes.  Or even a sliced egg omelet. 

This seriously takes 5 minutes and is delicious!

The best of times, the worst of times.

It just so happens that I am feeling great and horrible all at once, which is way bizarre.  The great:  my diet has been MUCH better and I can feel that I am healthier.  I have more energy and my joints are better.  I think the anti-inflammatory aspect has certainly begun to have an effect.

The horrible is that my upper back and arm are in constant pain and I have had a numb thumb for almost two weeks.  My chiropractor thinks it is nerve entrapment, probably brought on by drumming.  I have been feeling tremendous stress about all this and this morning had a full blown panic attack at the imaging place where I was supposed to get an MRI.  I simply could not make myself go in there.

So, diet, yes.  Rest of my body, not so much.  I am going out tonight to get some vitamin B to see if that will help the nerves calm down.

Also, I haven't lost any weight over the last few days so I am considering writing my food down for awhile to see if that helps.  I am eating much healthier than in the past, but may still be eating too much, especially protein.

Today:
1 scoop protein powder in a glass of almond milk.  (unsweetened)
1 coffee with 2 T half and half.
2 eggs, 1 slice ezekiel bread with 1 tsp organic butter.
lamb burger with 1 oz feta and 2 tsp tzatziki sauce, sauteed kale and salad with olive oil and vinegar dressing.
1 roasted chicken breast with wine reduction sauce, kale and salad.

Bit by bit

Last night I went to dinner with Nguyen and Emmett to celebrate Emmett's graduation from 6th grade.  We went to an Italian place in Cranston and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  I ordered a spinach salad and the baked salmon.  I ate a couple of bites of the risotto that came with it, and a couple of bites of a dessert and gave the rest to Emmett.  It really felt healthy and normal and not weird and fanatical.  I also enjoyed 2 glasses of great Italian wine.

I am NOT going to fall into the trap of all or nothing.  I want to be able to live a eat in a healthy way, which means making the best choices at any given moment and not freaking out about sticking to a rigid regimen.

Today I am down 11 lbs. since starting this program a couple of weeks ago and am feeling very good about it.